All too well

It was the second time I'd felt so shaken. I was petrified and dreaming only the worst. 

I didn't react on instincts the first time. Forever I regret not peeking out the front door as soon as I smelt the smoke. I was so confused, but I should have known I wasn't psychic. A person doesn't smell smoke on a burning hot day because they saw it in visions. The smell the smoke of a fire; of deadly, burning fire. 

Luckily it wasn't too soon that we were called to look outside. We had time to run, even if we were able to return home safely a few hours later. 

It happened again today, only my reaction time was faster and I understood the situation more clearly. I wasn't under direct threat, not this time, but a woman I love dearly sent a spiral of emotions through my spine. She took a dangerous fall, but it was something I'd seen before. I knew exactly what to do. I needed to consult the help of a professional. I called my first ambulance.

For some people, most unfortunate individuals, this is a simple task. Call the number, state your emergency and give your location. I answered eight of ten questions incorrectly, in my fluttered, shaken and downright terrified state. I understood that this was nothing of what she was feeling, but it left an impact on me. The racing heartbeat, the shaking hands and the confusion didn't lessen any, but the way I felt I handled the situation greatly improved. I thought faster, I did everything I could. 

I hoped I helped her. 

Imagine if we weren't there. 

Imagine if I had never seen the fire. 

Imagine if the danger was real. 

I live in the hope that I'll never have to feel that way again, but a guilty conscience loved the rush of adrenaline flowing through my veins. It's the emotions I remember feeling which leave the most impact and I remember those all too well. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Forget

Someone close to you dies and its completely awful, your world comes crashing down and you don't know whet to do. Others show you sympathy and that's all well and good for so long, but they'll forget. They always forget and once again you're left on your own. Everyone else has moved on with their lives, they'll focus on their future, they'll worry about the regrets in their past. You still feel the burning empty hole and there's nothing in the world that can fill it. There's no one you can talk to who hasn't moved on. There's no one who will listen. 

The hole lasts forever, but it won't always burn. Someday, somehow you'll make it out the other side and you know you will, but it's a long winding road ahead. Even when all is forgiven, everything is at peace, you'll never forget.

Yours sincerely,
Me

Bitch in heels

She's a bitch in heels. A try hard, over exaggerating pile of nobody who decides to step in and ruin my life. She thinks the world of herself, but doesn't see how fake and ugly she really is. Oh, did I mention... she's the fattest bitch I know. The most selfish, fattest, ugliest person I know altogether. I don't mean to sound cruel... well, actually I do... but after all they did to me, she deserves every hateful, nasty comment she gets. I deserve better than her... I can't believe I ever let her through my front door. There has never been anyone to make me so mad, so angry, so... hateful... until she came into my life. I think it's fair to say that I have never hated anyone, but I really hate her.
I've told the story a thousand times, I've written songs and made a thousand lines. They came alive through my hateful thoughts, the thoughts i should never have needed to think. This is all I wanted to say... Don't trust her, Don't trust Bella.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

All you need

All you need is a long walk on the beach, through the park or around your neighbourhood to make you feel better. I'm not right, but I'm better. Better than the hopeless cause I thought I was before, the wreck of a human being I thought I was. I had a bad moment, one where tears would not fall. Sometimes you just need to do something to clear your head.
I am aware that some people cut themselves, but I do not understand at all. It takes away the pain by creating more pain, but you go so numb you don't even feel it. I have pain, I have emotions which swell up inside me until I think I'm going to go insane, but never have I considered breaking my own skin. I can hardly stand a paper cut or a scrape. Going for a walk with the dog makes me feel better. Maybe everyone should try it.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Completely Confused

I'm so completely confused and left wondering what I'm doing and what reasons I can create as an excuse for doing so. I don't understand where I went wrong, why I feel this way or when things changed so dramatically and rationally. I want things to be the same, but they don't understand me at all.
They're making generalisations for three times of many. Maybe I'm irrational or insane some of the time, but it is a big ask to accuse me of acting so all of the time when I did something so uplifting to them, so helpful that they probably wouldn't be able to do it without me. They had no idea how much I did for them, but they do know that I did a lot.
They insult me in every breath. I can't remember a time I felt so insecure, so unsure of who I was supposed to be or where I was supposed to go. They decide that now is the time to make me feel so awful and unreasonably sinister, when all I want to do is lie down and go to sleep. I want to be left alone; my words have been lost to the experiences. I'm dealing with so many emotions and no way to let them out. When I do let them out, I'm persecuted. When I don't I'm depressed. I can't win either way, so why do I bother trying?
I feel like I have no one. I have no one to talk to, no one who wants to talk to me. I've been trapped inside for days with no way of escape. I don't want to have to live in the moment, go day by day, but I have to. Every plan I try to make is shut down. I don't want to do anything at all.
So please stop making my every move a disaster. Help me to make myself feel a little better, a little more alive.
Just stop it.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

At the very least.

At the very least I would have expected some form or a reply. 

You're going to end up alone, depressed and desperate for any kind of attention. You're a master manipulator and cruel at best. You can't tell up from down, but somehow you managed to lose everyone who ever loved you or who could've ever loved you. 

For a while there, you were taking me down with you. 

I can't stand to look at you anymore. You're a disgusting human being who thinks low of everyone. 'Unconfidant' as you describe yourself obviously loosely translates into 'complete bitch'. You're not unconfidant. You're a bitch who only cares about yourself. God only knows you didn't care about me when you let me slip away. 

I've never hated you more. 

Respect. That's all I ask. Treat me with respect and I'll show you tha same. Maybe I'll even smile when you walk past. Right now I just want to slap you across the face, push you down and leave you to suffer. Much like you did to me and are apparently doing now. 

I don't know what you've done or what you said, but whatever it was it was awful. What have I ever done to you, may I ask? Did I completely ignore you and then hypocritically complain that I was being treated the same by others? No, I never did that. I made the effort until I was sick of trying. Well guess what, now I'm sick of you. 

It's no surprise you haven't found anyone. The closest you ever came would rather deceive you and be with others, rather than face the truth and your wrath. I can't believe I ever thought you were the victim in that relationship. I can't believe I ever trusted you. 

And then I find out that it all comes down to you. I have a once in a lifetime opportunity. Something I will never, ever do again and you decide to flat out ruin it. Well guess what, I won't take your crap anymore. If you want to be the same manipulative bitch, controlling every move I make even after I escaped, think again. I got away from you, so get over it. I wouldn't mind if I never saw you again. In fact, I would rather never think about you again, never hear your name or have you in my memories. I wish I'd never met you, it would have made things so much easier. Maybe then I could've lived a normal life, rather than one where I can tell every single lie. No one should be able to do that. 

I missed you, not a few days ago. I told you that, but your selfish bitch of a self couldn't even work up the nerve to reply. I hope you feel awful. I hope you read this and know exactly what it's all about. I hope you suffer for what you have done. 

Just leave me alone. 

Yours sincerely, 

Me.

Everything.

I thought I had everything. I had friends, places to be, things to do. I didn't shut myself down, I refused to see the worst in people.
I let people walk all over me.
I've been noticing that people lie more than I ever noticed before. I don't know if they always lied, but I can see it now. No longer can I live in a world where everything is fine.
I need to open my eyes and see the truth.
I have three people I think I could count on. I used to have so many more, but now everything has changed. The three people are on my side until the end. They're trying to help me through.
I wish there wasn't anything I needed help with.
Girls are bitches. I've always known it, I've been a victim of the bitchiness more times than I can count.
This time I'm missing the one thing that helped me through. I just want her back.
Close your eyes, listen to those around you. Sometimes that sounds completely overused and cliched, but it's true. The people you once had won't be there forever. Don't let yourself become what I have faced so many times.
Innocent, spoilt, a loser. So many words, such little meaning. Innocent: someone pure of heart. Spoilt: someone who gets things that they want. Loser: well, we all know what that means.
Of all the words I could be called, these could be considered the most inaccurate of all. Perhaps I am innocent, but I am not pure of heart. Perhaps I am spoilt, but I have to work for everything I have. Perhaps I am a loser.
I always thought I had friends, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know who to trust and I really don't know what to do. I can't tell who my friends are. There are three people who could turn their heads at any moment. I can't even let myself trust them, the ones who are there for me.
Communication is overrated. Mostly, the words are a one way street. What is the point of trying to work out what someone means if they don't tell you? I just don't understand.
I don't know what I've done. This is more hurtful than the last time, the time before that. At least then I know where I went wrong, either with choosing my friends or making a stupid mistake. I'm forever apologetic for what I have done, I never meant to hurt anyone. This time though, I honestly don't believe I've done anything at all. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm an easy target, a loser. Easily led, manipulated.
I've been manipulated enough. Now I can tell a liar. I know when I'm being deceived. I will never let myself fall, not ever again.
Until I do. Nothing can be worse than this.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Fickle.

Friends are fickle.
I probably sound completely cliche', but one minute they're there, the next minute they're gone.
Once I had a lot of friends. There were different people I could turn to, different 'groups' to which I could conform. I had more individuality then than I do now. Now I don't know what to think.
I feel like I have no one. Another day passes and I scraped through. Honestly, I was scared. I didn't know what I was doing or why. I simply didn't understand. I still don't.
These people I thought were my 'friends' don't have the decency to even act like I mean anything to them, not anymore. Not since they've seen how I truly act, whilst acting different around everyone. One minute I'm there, the next minute I'm gone. That's just what they get. What goes around comes around, and the rest.
They'll get what's coming for them. Just wait and see. I can be particular vengeful when I want to be, at least, I can try to be.
This front I have, the one which makes me seem so strong, hard hearted, it begins to fail me. I fall through the cracks until I break. I stop working. I cry.
I don't like to cry. No matter what anyone thinks, crying is not something I find enjoyable. I don't know whether it's just me, but my entire head pounds after crying for long enough. Just because I'm good at something, apparently crying is my speciality, doesn't mean it's something I like to do.
I feel like I haven't laughed in weeks.
Something happened a little while back and I feel like I haven't been the same since. I've changed, somehow. I'm trying to work myself out of the cracks into someone who can actually speak without fear. I've had enough fear to last a lifetime. I want to be able to speak. If good old God and I were on speaking terms right now, that would be what I would wish for. Wish, pray, whatever it is people do. I'm not particularly religious.
I want to understand. I want to be able to not only hear, but also listen. I want to know what people have to say. I want to know what they mean.
I've been taking offence to almost everything lately. I hear a tease, I assume it's aimed at me. Usually I'm right. I've come to a conclusion in the past few weeks; one I'm not too proud of. People think of me as a joke. I'm an insecure, loser girl who only cares about education and things which supposedly don't matter. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I need to do the things I love, my writing and my music will stay with me forever, but I want to venture into the world. I want to actually exist, rather than stray on the edges of life. I'll act how I want to act, not how I think I should. I'll just be who I am, rather than who I want to be, never mind who I think I should be.
I just want to be me, whoever that is.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Somedays.

So today I learnt something about myself.
No matter what I say, how I act, what I do, something is always going to get to me. Once I honestly believed that I was fine, sane, sometimes even clever. Then again, once I thought I could fly. Things change, people change. I watch the world around me change, but can I follow the never ending pattern? If I do, it's not something I've noticed.
More than anything, I want to stop feeling like the small, innocent, ignorant child I once was, possibly the one I still am. I want to know the world, but I don't need to feel trapped. All I've ever wanted was to be as free as I wanted, simple, but known for who I am.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I act so differently around everyone, a special performance for everyone I meet. I'll be sane, crazy, angry and sad in an hour, but I will never show my true feelings. I don't trust anyone enough; not there, anyway.
I'm not a tragedy, I know that. I'll never have anyone feeling truly sorry for me. No one will show me pity.
I'd like to thing that I'm strong enough not to need a pity dance, a parade of attention surrounding me. Sometimes I just need someone to hug me while I cry. I haven't had true affection in a long time.
I like to be creative, I only tell my secrets through words on a page. I live to hope that someone will read what I write, even if I never show it to anyone. I want someone to read my journals, leaf through the lyrics I one day hope to turn into songs. I want to show the world what I can do, but I am afraid.
I'm afraid of so much, I don't know what is real and what I've worked up into a storm in my own mind. I take to heart the tragedies of others, dreading the day when it might just happen to me. I hear about heartbreak, loss, I hear survivor stories and how hard a life they once had. I'm afraid to love, I find it so hard to trust anyone. Maybe I've been burnt one too many times. I have them to thank for that.
So thank you, you probably don't even know who you are.
Thank you for bringing me to where I am today. I am alone, unhappy and afraid. I have all the time in the world to do the things I love, but I waste it on things I never intended to do. I'm insecure and I can admit it. I take offence at the smallest thing.
So while I'm out in the world, putting on a front of fire, fending off everyone I could learn to love, just know that I haven't always been this way.

Yours sincerely,
Me.