Fickle.

Friends are fickle.
I probably sound completely cliche', but one minute they're there, the next minute they're gone.
Once I had a lot of friends. There were different people I could turn to, different 'groups' to which I could conform. I had more individuality then than I do now. Now I don't know what to think.
I feel like I have no one. Another day passes and I scraped through. Honestly, I was scared. I didn't know what I was doing or why. I simply didn't understand. I still don't.
These people I thought were my 'friends' don't have the decency to even act like I mean anything to them, not anymore. Not since they've seen how I truly act, whilst acting different around everyone. One minute I'm there, the next minute I'm gone. That's just what they get. What goes around comes around, and the rest.
They'll get what's coming for them. Just wait and see. I can be particular vengeful when I want to be, at least, I can try to be.
This front I have, the one which makes me seem so strong, hard hearted, it begins to fail me. I fall through the cracks until I break. I stop working. I cry.
I don't like to cry. No matter what anyone thinks, crying is not something I find enjoyable. I don't know whether it's just me, but my entire head pounds after crying for long enough. Just because I'm good at something, apparently crying is my speciality, doesn't mean it's something I like to do.
I feel like I haven't laughed in weeks.
Something happened a little while back and I feel like I haven't been the same since. I've changed, somehow. I'm trying to work myself out of the cracks into someone who can actually speak without fear. I've had enough fear to last a lifetime. I want to be able to speak. If good old God and I were on speaking terms right now, that would be what I would wish for. Wish, pray, whatever it is people do. I'm not particularly religious.
I want to understand. I want to be able to not only hear, but also listen. I want to know what people have to say. I want to know what they mean.
I've been taking offence to almost everything lately. I hear a tease, I assume it's aimed at me. Usually I'm right. I've come to a conclusion in the past few weeks; one I'm not too proud of. People think of me as a joke. I'm an insecure, loser girl who only cares about education and things which supposedly don't matter. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I need to do the things I love, my writing and my music will stay with me forever, but I want to venture into the world. I want to actually exist, rather than stray on the edges of life. I'll act how I want to act, not how I think I should. I'll just be who I am, rather than who I want to be, never mind who I think I should be.
I just want to be me, whoever that is.

Yours sincerely,
Me.