At the very least.

At the very least I would have expected some form or a reply. 

You're going to end up alone, depressed and desperate for any kind of attention. You're a master manipulator and cruel at best. You can't tell up from down, but somehow you managed to lose everyone who ever loved you or who could've ever loved you. 

For a while there, you were taking me down with you. 

I can't stand to look at you anymore. You're a disgusting human being who thinks low of everyone. 'Unconfidant' as you describe yourself obviously loosely translates into 'complete bitch'. You're not unconfidant. You're a bitch who only cares about yourself. God only knows you didn't care about me when you let me slip away. 

I've never hated you more. 

Respect. That's all I ask. Treat me with respect and I'll show you tha same. Maybe I'll even smile when you walk past. Right now I just want to slap you across the face, push you down and leave you to suffer. Much like you did to me and are apparently doing now. 

I don't know what you've done or what you said, but whatever it was it was awful. What have I ever done to you, may I ask? Did I completely ignore you and then hypocritically complain that I was being treated the same by others? No, I never did that. I made the effort until I was sick of trying. Well guess what, now I'm sick of you. 

It's no surprise you haven't found anyone. The closest you ever came would rather deceive you and be with others, rather than face the truth and your wrath. I can't believe I ever thought you were the victim in that relationship. I can't believe I ever trusted you. 

And then I find out that it all comes down to you. I have a once in a lifetime opportunity. Something I will never, ever do again and you decide to flat out ruin it. Well guess what, I won't take your crap anymore. If you want to be the same manipulative bitch, controlling every move I make even after I escaped, think again. I got away from you, so get over it. I wouldn't mind if I never saw you again. In fact, I would rather never think about you again, never hear your name or have you in my memories. I wish I'd never met you, it would have made things so much easier. Maybe then I could've lived a normal life, rather than one where I can tell every single lie. No one should be able to do that. 

I missed you, not a few days ago. I told you that, but your selfish bitch of a self couldn't even work up the nerve to reply. I hope you feel awful. I hope you read this and know exactly what it's all about. I hope you suffer for what you have done. 

Just leave me alone. 

Yours sincerely, 

Me.

Everything.

I thought I had everything. I had friends, places to be, things to do. I didn't shut myself down, I refused to see the worst in people.
I let people walk all over me.
I've been noticing that people lie more than I ever noticed before. I don't know if they always lied, but I can see it now. No longer can I live in a world where everything is fine.
I need to open my eyes and see the truth.
I have three people I think I could count on. I used to have so many more, but now everything has changed. The three people are on my side until the end. They're trying to help me through.
I wish there wasn't anything I needed help with.
Girls are bitches. I've always known it, I've been a victim of the bitchiness more times than I can count.
This time I'm missing the one thing that helped me through. I just want her back.
Close your eyes, listen to those around you. Sometimes that sounds completely overused and cliched, but it's true. The people you once had won't be there forever. Don't let yourself become what I have faced so many times.
Innocent, spoilt, a loser. So many words, such little meaning. Innocent: someone pure of heart. Spoilt: someone who gets things that they want. Loser: well, we all know what that means.
Of all the words I could be called, these could be considered the most inaccurate of all. Perhaps I am innocent, but I am not pure of heart. Perhaps I am spoilt, but I have to work for everything I have. Perhaps I am a loser.
I always thought I had friends, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know who to trust and I really don't know what to do. I can't tell who my friends are. There are three people who could turn their heads at any moment. I can't even let myself trust them, the ones who are there for me.
Communication is overrated. Mostly, the words are a one way street. What is the point of trying to work out what someone means if they don't tell you? I just don't understand.
I don't know what I've done. This is more hurtful than the last time, the time before that. At least then I know where I went wrong, either with choosing my friends or making a stupid mistake. I'm forever apologetic for what I have done, I never meant to hurt anyone. This time though, I honestly don't believe I've done anything at all. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm an easy target, a loser. Easily led, manipulated.
I've been manipulated enough. Now I can tell a liar. I know when I'm being deceived. I will never let myself fall, not ever again.
Until I do. Nothing can be worse than this.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Fickle.

Friends are fickle.
I probably sound completely cliche', but one minute they're there, the next minute they're gone.
Once I had a lot of friends. There were different people I could turn to, different 'groups' to which I could conform. I had more individuality then than I do now. Now I don't know what to think.
I feel like I have no one. Another day passes and I scraped through. Honestly, I was scared. I didn't know what I was doing or why. I simply didn't understand. I still don't.
These people I thought were my 'friends' don't have the decency to even act like I mean anything to them, not anymore. Not since they've seen how I truly act, whilst acting different around everyone. One minute I'm there, the next minute I'm gone. That's just what they get. What goes around comes around, and the rest.
They'll get what's coming for them. Just wait and see. I can be particular vengeful when I want to be, at least, I can try to be.
This front I have, the one which makes me seem so strong, hard hearted, it begins to fail me. I fall through the cracks until I break. I stop working. I cry.
I don't like to cry. No matter what anyone thinks, crying is not something I find enjoyable. I don't know whether it's just me, but my entire head pounds after crying for long enough. Just because I'm good at something, apparently crying is my speciality, doesn't mean it's something I like to do.
I feel like I haven't laughed in weeks.
Something happened a little while back and I feel like I haven't been the same since. I've changed, somehow. I'm trying to work myself out of the cracks into someone who can actually speak without fear. I've had enough fear to last a lifetime. I want to be able to speak. If good old God and I were on speaking terms right now, that would be what I would wish for. Wish, pray, whatever it is people do. I'm not particularly religious.
I want to understand. I want to be able to not only hear, but also listen. I want to know what people have to say. I want to know what they mean.
I've been taking offence to almost everything lately. I hear a tease, I assume it's aimed at me. Usually I'm right. I've come to a conclusion in the past few weeks; one I'm not too proud of. People think of me as a joke. I'm an insecure, loser girl who only cares about education and things which supposedly don't matter. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I need to do the things I love, my writing and my music will stay with me forever, but I want to venture into the world. I want to actually exist, rather than stray on the edges of life. I'll act how I want to act, not how I think I should. I'll just be who I am, rather than who I want to be, never mind who I think I should be.
I just want to be me, whoever that is.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Somedays.

So today I learnt something about myself.
No matter what I say, how I act, what I do, something is always going to get to me. Once I honestly believed that I was fine, sane, sometimes even clever. Then again, once I thought I could fly. Things change, people change. I watch the world around me change, but can I follow the never ending pattern? If I do, it's not something I've noticed.
More than anything, I want to stop feeling like the small, innocent, ignorant child I once was, possibly the one I still am. I want to know the world, but I don't need to feel trapped. All I've ever wanted was to be as free as I wanted, simple, but known for who I am.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I act so differently around everyone, a special performance for everyone I meet. I'll be sane, crazy, angry and sad in an hour, but I will never show my true feelings. I don't trust anyone enough; not there, anyway.
I'm not a tragedy, I know that. I'll never have anyone feeling truly sorry for me. No one will show me pity.
I'd like to thing that I'm strong enough not to need a pity dance, a parade of attention surrounding me. Sometimes I just need someone to hug me while I cry. I haven't had true affection in a long time.
I like to be creative, I only tell my secrets through words on a page. I live to hope that someone will read what I write, even if I never show it to anyone. I want someone to read my journals, leaf through the lyrics I one day hope to turn into songs. I want to show the world what I can do, but I am afraid.
I'm afraid of so much, I don't know what is real and what I've worked up into a storm in my own mind. I take to heart the tragedies of others, dreading the day when it might just happen to me. I hear about heartbreak, loss, I hear survivor stories and how hard a life they once had. I'm afraid to love, I find it so hard to trust anyone. Maybe I've been burnt one too many times. I have them to thank for that.
So thank you, you probably don't even know who you are.
Thank you for bringing me to where I am today. I am alone, unhappy and afraid. I have all the time in the world to do the things I love, but I waste it on things I never intended to do. I'm insecure and I can admit it. I take offence at the smallest thing.
So while I'm out in the world, putting on a front of fire, fending off everyone I could learn to love, just know that I haven't always been this way.

Yours sincerely,
Me.