Broken

When she came into my room I knew what she would say. I remember her sitting beside me on the bed, trying to look into my eyes, though I was half asleep and then she told me. Tears dripping from my eyes, turned on as though it were a tap, I could only think of something to say. After moments which seemed like hours, I asked "how?" It was a fairly obvious question, but i felt I had to say something and I already knew the answers to "when", "where" and "what". "Why?" was my next thought, but it was an inconspicuous question and there really is no true answer. After hearing my question, she turned her eyes to the ground, trying hard not to join me in my tears and simply said; "his heart stopped beating". She then left the room, leaving me broken in two and not sure what to do. 

I reacted to the fear and understanding of what was to come along with the initial hearing of the words with tears, but since then I've felt numb in relation to that topic. People cry at funerals, so I think I just followed suit, but the days before and after I felt nothing. I've said that I experienced more grief and heartbreak at the death of my dog, but I remember the instantaneous tears and think that maybe my memory had played tricks on me. I tried so hard to impress him and wanted him to remember me, so I should remember the man as he was and my feelings as they were.  

It's been one year since that day and every emotion I felt came flooding back. I loved you Pa and although you didn't know who I was in the disease, I know you'll always know me in your heart. In this way, we share a connection which can never be broken. 

I miss you.

Yours Sincerely,