I don't fall often

I don't fall often, but when I do, I find it hard to stand on two feet and do something about it. Too many times I've let opportunities slip away because I'm either afraid or not ready for commitment. I have high standards, I'll give myself that.
This is for someone who absolutely doesn't understand me at all. He repulsed me, yet makes me want to be near him. He spent so long supposedly wasting his time on me when I secretly wanted him all along. He didn't know that then and he doesn't know that now.
I have codes of conduct, where I'll use tones of voice in different situations. I honestly one hundred percent can't control which voice I'll use in a situation. I'm not smooth talking, not ever.
I'll tell you this; I'm the kind of girl who will punch a guy in the arm to tell him she likes her. I'm the kind of girl who constantly insults the boy she wants to be with. I'm the kind of girl who chases everyone away. I'm closed up and I have a million secrets I'll never share. I'm self conscious, although today I learned a few things about my body which I never knew before.
I'm a hopeless romantic, although I don't know how to love. I'm afraid of rejection, even though its not something I've experienced from a boy in my life. Do you want to know why I've never had a boyfriend? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling too hard and not being able to get up. I'm afraid of being told no. I can't tell whether the result will be worth the effort.
Some say I'm now too old to find love. The best boys only find their way to you when your young. I was so afraid of growing old that I sacrificed my childhood to protection of myself. I've by now learned that I need to let go of my personal safety blanket and see the world as it is, heartbreaks and all.
I needed to learn to live.
Yours sincerely,
Me.