Somedays.

So today I learnt something about myself.
No matter what I say, how I act, what I do, something is always going to get to me. Once I honestly believed that I was fine, sane, sometimes even clever. Then again, once I thought I could fly. Things change, people change. I watch the world around me change, but can I follow the never ending pattern? If I do, it's not something I've noticed.
More than anything, I want to stop feeling like the small, innocent, ignorant child I once was, possibly the one I still am. I want to know the world, but I don't need to feel trapped. All I've ever wanted was to be as free as I wanted, simple, but known for who I am.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I act so differently around everyone, a special performance for everyone I meet. I'll be sane, crazy, angry and sad in an hour, but I will never show my true feelings. I don't trust anyone enough; not there, anyway.
I'm not a tragedy, I know that. I'll never have anyone feeling truly sorry for me. No one will show me pity.
I'd like to thing that I'm strong enough not to need a pity dance, a parade of attention surrounding me. Sometimes I just need someone to hug me while I cry. I haven't had true affection in a long time.
I like to be creative, I only tell my secrets through words on a page. I live to hope that someone will read what I write, even if I never show it to anyone. I want someone to read my journals, leaf through the lyrics I one day hope to turn into songs. I want to show the world what I can do, but I am afraid.
I'm afraid of so much, I don't know what is real and what I've worked up into a storm in my own mind. I take to heart the tragedies of others, dreading the day when it might just happen to me. I hear about heartbreak, loss, I hear survivor stories and how hard a life they once had. I'm afraid to love, I find it so hard to trust anyone. Maybe I've been burnt one too many times. I have them to thank for that.
So thank you, you probably don't even know who you are.
Thank you for bringing me to where I am today. I am alone, unhappy and afraid. I have all the time in the world to do the things I love, but I waste it on things I never intended to do. I'm insecure and I can admit it. I take offence at the smallest thing.
So while I'm out in the world, putting on a front of fire, fending off everyone I could learn to love, just know that I haven't always been this way.

Yours sincerely,
Me.