Waiting for someday

I'm good at pushing people away. For too long I've sat back in the shadows letting the world walk all over me. I always looked to the future, stuck waiting for someday. I think I'm finally starting to figure something out. I don't know what I'm going to be waiting for a year from now, but that's okay. Some things need to figure themselves out.
This was a good idea for me. This plan I haven't made, the roads I've never been able to figure out which to take. I'm a mess, but I'm okay. I'm going to make it past this big, huge year of changes and walk out the other side a stronger, hopefully even happier person.
But I've always been good at pushing people away. I'm excellent at saying no, at waiting until I'm ready to move foreward. It's too bad that I have never been able to feel ready, not until now. The past few weeks have been different. I'm starting to try again, trying to make relationships and get close to people. I don't want to close myself off again. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Home is safety to me. I've never liked leaving it for too long at a time. I want to stay where I am and let myself be comfortable with what I've always been. That needs to change. I can't be the shy, completely innocent person I'm known to be. Breaking out of my forever shell is going to be hard, but worth the effort. I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the plunge and make the change.

Yours sincerely.
Me.

I don't fall often

I don't fall often, but when I do, I find it hard to stand on two feet and do something about it. Too many times I've let opportunities slip away because I'm either afraid or not ready for commitment. I have high standards, I'll give myself that.
This is for someone who absolutely doesn't understand me at all. He repulsed me, yet makes me want to be near him. He spent so long supposedly wasting his time on me when I secretly wanted him all along. He didn't know that then and he doesn't know that now.
I have codes of conduct, where I'll use tones of voice in different situations. I honestly one hundred percent can't control which voice I'll use in a situation. I'm not smooth talking, not ever.
I'll tell you this; I'm the kind of girl who will punch a guy in the arm to tell him she likes her. I'm the kind of girl who constantly insults the boy she wants to be with. I'm the kind of girl who chases everyone away. I'm closed up and I have a million secrets I'll never share. I'm self conscious, although today I learned a few things about my body which I never knew before.
I'm a hopeless romantic, although I don't know how to love. I'm afraid of rejection, even though its not something I've experienced from a boy in my life. Do you want to know why I've never had a boyfriend? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling too hard and not being able to get up. I'm afraid of being told no. I can't tell whether the result will be worth the effort.
Some say I'm now too old to find love. The best boys only find their way to you when your young. I was so afraid of growing old that I sacrificed my childhood to protection of myself. I've by now learned that I need to let go of my personal safety blanket and see the world as it is, heartbreaks and all.
I needed to learn to live.
Yours sincerely,
Me.