Understand

I'm a spoilt brat, but maybe it isn't my fault. Maybe there's nothing I can do to help myself and I'll live forever in confusion. Somehow that doesn't seem right. I can't be the only person in the world who doesn't understand. I should be able to tell her things, I should be able to explain myself and the things I don't understand without her feeling like a failure.

Do you think that's what I want? Do you think I want you to feel like you've done everything you can and still I don't understand? That makes me feel like the most incompetent person in the world.

This started when she told me I scared her. It's the boiling point to me that I don't understand everything that I should. After all this time, I should be better than I am, but I'm not. For others, everything comes so easily, but not for me. For me, it takes a long time to understand.

Yours Sincerely,
Me.

This Isn't Fair.

Alright, tell me exactly what she's done she can't admit to. Tell me one thing I don't already know and I might rethink my case, but if you can't, I'm telling you now, this isn't fair. 

What happened to being neutral, the guy who goes around trying to make peace. Was that about making peace or digging up the dirt that I don't want to be a part of? Don't answer that, I already know. You want to keep a shitstorm going, I'll help you with that. I can tell him exactly what you said about his girlfriend on retreat. This girl didn't hear it, which I'm glad to say,protects you a little. I could start a fight between friends, but I'm not going to. I'm not like that. 

Well guess what,this doesn't just impact you. It impacts all of us, it impacts me. I've made friends out of you. I want more than anything for it to stay that way, but I'm one of the few people she can trust at the moment and I'm going to stick up for my friend. You are my friend too, which is why I'm giving you the option to explain to me why I, along with everyone else, am being punished for this. 

I don't care what he said, truth is, everything that comes out of that boys mouth is his own choice of words. She can't physically force him to speak. If he didn't want to be the way he is with her, he would dump her. They're sticking together. 

I just want everyone to get along. I want you to apologise to each other for being reckless and stupid and yes, I mean all of you. You're ruining friendships which were fine a week and a half ago. I'm trying to stay out of it, but I can't, because it impacts me too. 

So this is me telling you that I could hurt you by telling him what I know, but I won't. If you can't give me one good reason for this god forsaken argument; I'll be forced to choose a side, which is something I really, really don't want to so. 

Please, do the right thing here. Do the right thing for you, for her, for all of them and for me. I don't want to see any more of my friends hurt. 

Yours sincerely,

Me.

Waiting for someday

I'm good at pushing people away. For too long I've sat back in the shadows letting the world walk all over me. I always looked to the future, stuck waiting for someday. I think I'm finally starting to figure something out. I don't know what I'm going to be waiting for a year from now, but that's okay. Some things need to figure themselves out.
This was a good idea for me. This plan I haven't made, the roads I've never been able to figure out which to take. I'm a mess, but I'm okay. I'm going to make it past this big, huge year of changes and walk out the other side a stronger, hopefully even happier person.
But I've always been good at pushing people away. I'm excellent at saying no, at waiting until I'm ready to move foreward. It's too bad that I have never been able to feel ready, not until now. The past few weeks have been different. I'm starting to try again, trying to make relationships and get close to people. I don't want to close myself off again. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Home is safety to me. I've never liked leaving it for too long at a time. I want to stay where I am and let myself be comfortable with what I've always been. That needs to change. I can't be the shy, completely innocent person I'm known to be. Breaking out of my forever shell is going to be hard, but worth the effort. I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the plunge and make the change.

Yours sincerely.
Me.

I don't fall often

I don't fall often, but when I do, I find it hard to stand on two feet and do something about it. Too many times I've let opportunities slip away because I'm either afraid or not ready for commitment. I have high standards, I'll give myself that.
This is for someone who absolutely doesn't understand me at all. He repulsed me, yet makes me want to be near him. He spent so long supposedly wasting his time on me when I secretly wanted him all along. He didn't know that then and he doesn't know that now.
I have codes of conduct, where I'll use tones of voice in different situations. I honestly one hundred percent can't control which voice I'll use in a situation. I'm not smooth talking, not ever.
I'll tell you this; I'm the kind of girl who will punch a guy in the arm to tell him she likes her. I'm the kind of girl who constantly insults the boy she wants to be with. I'm the kind of girl who chases everyone away. I'm closed up and I have a million secrets I'll never share. I'm self conscious, although today I learned a few things about my body which I never knew before.
I'm a hopeless romantic, although I don't know how to love. I'm afraid of rejection, even though its not something I've experienced from a boy in my life. Do you want to know why I've never had a boyfriend? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling too hard and not being able to get up. I'm afraid of being told no. I can't tell whether the result will be worth the effort.
Some say I'm now too old to find love. The best boys only find their way to you when your young. I was so afraid of growing old that I sacrificed my childhood to protection of myself. I've by now learned that I need to let go of my personal safety blanket and see the world as it is, heartbreaks and all.
I needed to learn to live.
Yours sincerely,
Me.

All too well

It was the second time I'd felt so shaken. I was petrified and dreaming only the worst. 

I didn't react on instincts the first time. Forever I regret not peeking out the front door as soon as I smelt the smoke. I was so confused, but I should have known I wasn't psychic. A person doesn't smell smoke on a burning hot day because they saw it in visions. The smell the smoke of a fire; of deadly, burning fire. 

Luckily it wasn't too soon that we were called to look outside. We had time to run, even if we were able to return home safely a few hours later. 

It happened again today, only my reaction time was faster and I understood the situation more clearly. I wasn't under direct threat, not this time, but a woman I love dearly sent a spiral of emotions through my spine. She took a dangerous fall, but it was something I'd seen before. I knew exactly what to do. I needed to consult the help of a professional. I called my first ambulance.

For some people, most unfortunate individuals, this is a simple task. Call the number, state your emergency and give your location. I answered eight of ten questions incorrectly, in my fluttered, shaken and downright terrified state. I understood that this was nothing of what she was feeling, but it left an impact on me. The racing heartbeat, the shaking hands and the confusion didn't lessen any, but the way I felt I handled the situation greatly improved. I thought faster, I did everything I could. 

I hoped I helped her. 

Imagine if we weren't there. 

Imagine if I had never seen the fire. 

Imagine if the danger was real. 

I live in the hope that I'll never have to feel that way again, but a guilty conscience loved the rush of adrenaline flowing through my veins. It's the emotions I remember feeling which leave the most impact and I remember those all too well. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Forget

Someone close to you dies and its completely awful, your world comes crashing down and you don't know whet to do. Others show you sympathy and that's all well and good for so long, but they'll forget. They always forget and once again you're left on your own. Everyone else has moved on with their lives, they'll focus on their future, they'll worry about the regrets in their past. You still feel the burning empty hole and there's nothing in the world that can fill it. There's no one you can talk to who hasn't moved on. There's no one who will listen. 

The hole lasts forever, but it won't always burn. Someday, somehow you'll make it out the other side and you know you will, but it's a long winding road ahead. Even when all is forgiven, everything is at peace, you'll never forget.

Yours sincerely,
Me

Bitch in heels

She's a bitch in heels. A try hard, over exaggerating pile of nobody who decides to step in and ruin my life. She thinks the world of herself, but doesn't see how fake and ugly she really is. Oh, did I mention... she's the fattest bitch I know. The most selfish, fattest, ugliest person I know altogether. I don't mean to sound cruel... well, actually I do... but after all they did to me, she deserves every hateful, nasty comment she gets. I deserve better than her... I can't believe I ever let her through my front door. There has never been anyone to make me so mad, so angry, so... hateful... until she came into my life. I think it's fair to say that I have never hated anyone, but I really hate her.
I've told the story a thousand times, I've written songs and made a thousand lines. They came alive through my hateful thoughts, the thoughts i should never have needed to think. This is all I wanted to say... Don't trust her, Don't trust Bella.

Yours sincerely,
Me.