The Real Me

I'm sick of being told I have the right of choice. I'm a slave to your wishes and unknowingly following you in your every move. You don't know what I'm really feeling or what I really want. You don't understand me in the slightest, because I don't let anyone in.
I'm sick of being told what to do and who to be. I'm over hopelessy worrying about what I'll be doing in a years time. I forgot myself for a moment in concentrating on everything else.
Life is hard, but we need to understand our limits. We need to know when to stop and when to continue. I need to listen to myself and talk to everyone else. I need to make myself known, I need to emerge from the shadows. Even to my best friends I don't speak in fear of disaproval. I feel the need to explain myself whenever my voice is heard. I'm constantly shut down and left feeling like I can't do anything.
So maybe I'm not the best at anything. Maybe there are people more cometent in their ways and more determant. Maybe they have more motivation, I don't know what they feel.
I know how I feel, but I'm the only one. There is one person who's trying. Someone realises how closed in and insecure I really am. There is one person who really wants to see the real me, but I'm afraid of what I could have. I'm afraid to show him my baring soul, my deepest wishes and regrets. I'm always wishing for convenience, but hoping for a challenge. I costantly contradict myself and everything I believe in, but I'm not the only one.
We're impossible, we can't be trusted and we can never be believed. We're stereotyped and thrown to the ground until we realise that this is our only opportunity tobe ourselves. Theres no point in spending a lifetime trying to be someone else. There's no mistake in speaking out, but there is some grief involved in keeping everything to myself.
I've decided to turn over a new leaf and tell everyone what I'm really feeling. I'll say the things I should've said a long time ago and I'll let all my secrets be known.
Look out wrold, I'm coming.
You'll finaly see the real me.

Yours sincerily,
Me.

Broken

When she came into my room I knew what she would say. I remember her sitting beside me on the bed, trying to look into my eyes, though I was half asleep and then she told me. Tears dripping from my eyes, turned on as though it were a tap, I could only think of something to say. After moments which seemed like hours, I asked "how?" It was a fairly obvious question, but i felt I had to say something and I already knew the answers to "when", "where" and "what". "Why?" was my next thought, but it was an inconspicuous question and there really is no true answer. After hearing my question, she turned her eyes to the ground, trying hard not to join me in my tears and simply said; "his heart stopped beating". She then left the room, leaving me broken in two and not sure what to do. 

I reacted to the fear and understanding of what was to come along with the initial hearing of the words with tears, but since then I've felt numb in relation to that topic. People cry at funerals, so I think I just followed suit, but the days before and after I felt nothing. I've said that I experienced more grief and heartbreak at the death of my dog, but I remember the instantaneous tears and think that maybe my memory had played tricks on me. I tried so hard to impress him and wanted him to remember me, so I should remember the man as he was and my feelings as they were.  

It's been one year since that day and every emotion I felt came flooding back. I loved you Pa and although you didn't know who I was in the disease, I know you'll always know me in your heart. In this way, we share a connection which can never be broken. 

I miss you.

Yours Sincerely, 

Understand

I'm a spoilt brat, but maybe it isn't my fault. Maybe there's nothing I can do to help myself and I'll live forever in confusion. Somehow that doesn't seem right. I can't be the only person in the world who doesn't understand. I should be able to tell her things, I should be able to explain myself and the things I don't understand without her feeling like a failure.

Do you think that's what I want? Do you think I want you to feel like you've done everything you can and still I don't understand? That makes me feel like the most incompetent person in the world.

This started when she told me I scared her. It's the boiling point to me that I don't understand everything that I should. After all this time, I should be better than I am, but I'm not. For others, everything comes so easily, but not for me. For me, it takes a long time to understand.

Yours Sincerely,
Me.

This Isn't Fair.

Alright, tell me exactly what she's done she can't admit to. Tell me one thing I don't already know and I might rethink my case, but if you can't, I'm telling you now, this isn't fair. 

What happened to being neutral, the guy who goes around trying to make peace. Was that about making peace or digging up the dirt that I don't want to be a part of? Don't answer that, I already know. You want to keep a shitstorm going, I'll help you with that. I can tell him exactly what you said about his girlfriend on retreat. This girl didn't hear it, which I'm glad to say,protects you a little. I could start a fight between friends, but I'm not going to. I'm not like that. 

Well guess what,this doesn't just impact you. It impacts all of us, it impacts me. I've made friends out of you. I want more than anything for it to stay that way, but I'm one of the few people she can trust at the moment and I'm going to stick up for my friend. You are my friend too, which is why I'm giving you the option to explain to me why I, along with everyone else, am being punished for this. 

I don't care what he said, truth is, everything that comes out of that boys mouth is his own choice of words. She can't physically force him to speak. If he didn't want to be the way he is with her, he would dump her. They're sticking together. 

I just want everyone to get along. I want you to apologise to each other for being reckless and stupid and yes, I mean all of you. You're ruining friendships which were fine a week and a half ago. I'm trying to stay out of it, but I can't, because it impacts me too. 

So this is me telling you that I could hurt you by telling him what I know, but I won't. If you can't give me one good reason for this god forsaken argument; I'll be forced to choose a side, which is something I really, really don't want to so. 

Please, do the right thing here. Do the right thing for you, for her, for all of them and for me. I don't want to see any more of my friends hurt. 

Yours sincerely,

Me.

Waiting for someday

I'm good at pushing people away. For too long I've sat back in the shadows letting the world walk all over me. I always looked to the future, stuck waiting for someday. I think I'm finally starting to figure something out. I don't know what I'm going to be waiting for a year from now, but that's okay. Some things need to figure themselves out.
This was a good idea for me. This plan I haven't made, the roads I've never been able to figure out which to take. I'm a mess, but I'm okay. I'm going to make it past this big, huge year of changes and walk out the other side a stronger, hopefully even happier person.
But I've always been good at pushing people away. I'm excellent at saying no, at waiting until I'm ready to move foreward. It's too bad that I have never been able to feel ready, not until now. The past few weeks have been different. I'm starting to try again, trying to make relationships and get close to people. I don't want to close myself off again. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Home is safety to me. I've never liked leaving it for too long at a time. I want to stay where I am and let myself be comfortable with what I've always been. That needs to change. I can't be the shy, completely innocent person I'm known to be. Breaking out of my forever shell is going to be hard, but worth the effort. I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the plunge and make the change.

Yours sincerely.
Me.

I don't fall often

I don't fall often, but when I do, I find it hard to stand on two feet and do something about it. Too many times I've let opportunities slip away because I'm either afraid or not ready for commitment. I have high standards, I'll give myself that.
This is for someone who absolutely doesn't understand me at all. He repulsed me, yet makes me want to be near him. He spent so long supposedly wasting his time on me when I secretly wanted him all along. He didn't know that then and he doesn't know that now.
I have codes of conduct, where I'll use tones of voice in different situations. I honestly one hundred percent can't control which voice I'll use in a situation. I'm not smooth talking, not ever.
I'll tell you this; I'm the kind of girl who will punch a guy in the arm to tell him she likes her. I'm the kind of girl who constantly insults the boy she wants to be with. I'm the kind of girl who chases everyone away. I'm closed up and I have a million secrets I'll never share. I'm self conscious, although today I learned a few things about my body which I never knew before.
I'm a hopeless romantic, although I don't know how to love. I'm afraid of rejection, even though its not something I've experienced from a boy in my life. Do you want to know why I've never had a boyfriend? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling too hard and not being able to get up. I'm afraid of being told no. I can't tell whether the result will be worth the effort.
Some say I'm now too old to find love. The best boys only find their way to you when your young. I was so afraid of growing old that I sacrificed my childhood to protection of myself. I've by now learned that I need to let go of my personal safety blanket and see the world as it is, heartbreaks and all.
I needed to learn to live.
Yours sincerely,
Me.

All too well

It was the second time I'd felt so shaken. I was petrified and dreaming only the worst. 

I didn't react on instincts the first time. Forever I regret not peeking out the front door as soon as I smelt the smoke. I was so confused, but I should have known I wasn't psychic. A person doesn't smell smoke on a burning hot day because they saw it in visions. The smell the smoke of a fire; of deadly, burning fire. 

Luckily it wasn't too soon that we were called to look outside. We had time to run, even if we were able to return home safely a few hours later. 

It happened again today, only my reaction time was faster and I understood the situation more clearly. I wasn't under direct threat, not this time, but a woman I love dearly sent a spiral of emotions through my spine. She took a dangerous fall, but it was something I'd seen before. I knew exactly what to do. I needed to consult the help of a professional. I called my first ambulance.

For some people, most unfortunate individuals, this is a simple task. Call the number, state your emergency and give your location. I answered eight of ten questions incorrectly, in my fluttered, shaken and downright terrified state. I understood that this was nothing of what she was feeling, but it left an impact on me. The racing heartbeat, the shaking hands and the confusion didn't lessen any, but the way I felt I handled the situation greatly improved. I thought faster, I did everything I could. 

I hoped I helped her. 

Imagine if we weren't there. 

Imagine if I had never seen the fire. 

Imagine if the danger was real. 

I live in the hope that I'll never have to feel that way again, but a guilty conscience loved the rush of adrenaline flowing through my veins. It's the emotions I remember feeling which leave the most impact and I remember those all too well. 

Sincerely, 

Me.